Mirren Bodanis

Editor-in-Chief

Image Via ConnectPOS

Some sections of the interview were translated from French

“Sex is natural, sex is good. Not everybody does it, but everybody should.”

George Michael

Those lyrics, referred to at the time as the most “distasteful lines of rock and roll” according to Genius, were written by (queer) pop star George Michael in 1988. Although perhaps not as scandalous now as in the 80s, there’s still parts of sex that we find “distasteful”. 

Putting a plug in your butt. Using a dildo with your partner. A cis woman using a strap on to peg her boyfriend. Did you have a reaction to these phrases? I would be lying if I said they didn’t make me feel uncomfortable at some point as well. To find out why, The Plant sat down with Sabrina Vo and Cindy Céspedes, the Senior Coordinator and Sexology Intern at The Hive (our DSU-provided Gender Advocacy Center).

“The students here are very open, but there’s always hesitation,” says Céspedes. “The will is there, but people don’t always know how.” Vo explained how everyone can have internalised reactions to the less “typical” aspects of sex. “Some of the behaviours are hard to deconstruct right away. [Some people] will see a very realistic packer [a gender affirming device designed to create the appearance of a male genitalia], and the giggle is kind of there, if [I’m] talking about penetrative sex, masturbation, the clitoris, all of that. I feel like some students are really eager to learn, but there’s still that little hesitation of like ‘oh, my, is this okay? Can we really talk about our body parts, and name them correctly?’”

Vo & Céspedes also spoke about how, even if someone might be interested in exploring more taboo parts of sex, they can be afraid of what it means for their identity. Vo explains “There are [people] who are maybe holding on to their identity very strongly, and that can make them afraid to try new things because it would define their identity or it would “go against” their sexuality or what they think their sexuality should mean. I always tell students: Sexual orientation is about your attraction, not your actions.”

“If you do something like butt plugs or anal play for [cis men], it’s always seen as like ‘oh, it’s gay sex, for sure.’ We assign these sexual acts and activities to sexual orientations. […] Your identity, it’s yours! You know what you’re attracted to, and it’s not because you try something or do something that it defines your identity.”

Céspedes added how “if we do perceive sexuality as a spectrum that can be fluid, that can be dynamic, that can change, that you can step back into something again […] it can make new things not an identity crisis, but the freedom to move things that you thought were so fixed.” That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have a specific identity marker, specified Vo, saying that they can be “really important, something that made you find your community […] but also holding on to that label can be a little internally constraining at times.”

Céspedes explained how, no matter your identity or whether or not you have a partner, there’s benefits to incorporating toys into your sexual activities. “It can be a good way to explore preferences, communication, things you like, fantasies.” These sex toys, or, as The Hive staff prefer to call them, “sex products” can help you better improve and relate to your physical and mental health in many different ways. “Sex shops have this label of eroticism and being perverted, but we have to view those tools and means to transcend fears, or things you want to learn more about. Sometimes they can be really helpful in a relationship: to solidify it, to know the limits and the boundaries.”

“Sex shops have this label of eroticism and being perverted, but we have to view those tools and means to transcend fears, or things you want to learn more about. Sometimes they can be really helpful in a relationship: to solidify it, to know the limits and the boundaries.”

Cindy Céspedes, Sexology Student

As an example of a “sex product” that goes beyond simple eroticism, they showed us a massage candle which is often sold at sex stores. When lit, it produces a relaxing scent, and then the melted “wax” is actually a massage oil that also treats cramps and muscle pains. “[Sex shops] are beginning to be more like a resource of sexual health, not just a source of merchandise for porn movies!” poked Céspedes. “When you feel good in your body, it has an impact on everything else: your work, your career, your ways of connecting with people, and your mental health. It’s all connected. Sexuality is a central notion to know more about ourselves.”

Circling back to the original question, we asked what the first step can be for people who feel uncomfortable or weirded out by more “taboo” sexuality. “I think it could be interesting to ask where those thoughts are coming from,” said Vo. “What are the roots? It’s difficult, it’s not easy. […] It can be shocking [if you’ve] never seen representations of people from different backgrounds, with disabilities.”

“I know it’s kind of a stupid analogy, but imagine: If I buy a soccer ball and play with my friends, am I a soccer player? Or am I just… doing an activity? You can have sex with a [toy, or a] person of the same gender and not [completely change your identity.] There’s something that you’re trying out. You were feeling it, you were liking the person. You were comfortable.”

And isn’t that beautiful?