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Jacqueline Graif

Voices Editor

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” – Stephen Chbosky

The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky was my book of choice in 10th grade, and I loved every single aspect of it—from the portrayals of mental health to the desperate, unrequited love. However, one thing that I could never quite understand was the line: “We accept the love we think we deserve.” I used to think it meant that as a society we see the love we wish we had in our partnerships, blind to reality. However, the meaning runs much deeper. 

Attachment issues are a difficulty that many young people face today, which has, arguably, manifested in many forms of modern media. Lots of music has glorified yearning and attachment issues. Prime examples are Conan Gray’s “Nauseous” which has “Maybe that’s why I feel safe with bad guys because when they hurt me I won’t be surprised.” Similarly, Lorde’s “Shapeshifter” expresses avoidant behavior: “I’ll kick you out and pull you in… Say that you were just a friend, and when it’s all over, again, say I’m not affected.” The avoidant attachment type has become romanticized in contemporary media, to the point that it is even considered cool to be unattached. 

Due to this glorification in the media, independence has become increasingly idealized, namely in the young adults of Western society. Western society has led young adults to believe they need to reach success by isolating themselves, says Sari Cooper, a couples counselor and sex therapist and the director of the Center for Love and Sex in New York City.

Extreme independence and isolation leads to attachment issues; which has become an issue of its own amongst young adults. According to Cleveland Clinic, attachment issues are typically classified into three types: avoidant, anxious, and disorganized. Anxiously attached individuals often have low-self esteem and rely on others for validation and a sense of purpose; they tend to feel distressed when someone pulls away or leaves. An avoidant type is the opposite—they are incredibly independent and struggle letting others see their vulnerable side. Disorganized attachment is a mix of the two.

Social psychologist Sarah Konrath led a study on attachment theory, revealing a 56% spike in avoidant attachment styles between 1988 to 2011, as reported by The Atlantic. The rate rose again in a follow-up study in 2020.

It is no secret that yearning has returned to our generation—but is yearning truly what we think it is? The physically painful longing or need for someone else in your life; usually someone you cannot have or who doesn’t want you back. Yearning is the result of a mix of unrequited love and avoidant attachment. But what exactly has caused this spike?

As someone born in 2007, I grew up around social media during the rise of the iPhone. My childhood revolved around unrestricted internet access and a copious amount of time spent on my iPad. I am not alone in this, however, between 2010 and 2019, depression and anxiety rates among adolescents rose by more than 50% in the U.S., according to The Atlantic. Hearing “It’s the phones!” all the time from adults when I was a kid was exhausting. I did not want to believe they were right, but as I grew older, I realized they were. It is not possible to say exactly that the phones and  unrestricted internet access are the cause of this depression and anxiety spike, but given that the iPhone came out in 2007, most sociologists and psychologists tend to make this connection. 

The rise of social media has exposed our generation to relationships we wouldn’t otherwise witness—cute posts of your friends and their partners, or your distant relative getting married. This constant exposure to others in happy relationships has sparked our need for authentic connection. However, the increasing amount of people with unhealthy attachment styles makes deep connections a lot harder to achieve.

“It is the impossibility to be vulnerable with others, restricted by the time spent on our phones, where we lack face-to-face connection more than ever before.” 

Young adults now are prevented from seeing what a realistic, healthy relationship looks like because of the curations on social media. We resort to yearning for an unrealistic reality, and completely avoid or disassociate from any real essence of a relationship when it is presented to us. What young adults really need right now is authentic, face-to-face connection. Instead, we accept love that we cannot obtain because it is a reflection of what we see in popular media. It is a disassociation from any form of a real relationship, and a fictional reality we each create in our heads.  

Jeff Buckley’s hit album “Grace” (only really a hit in Europe during its release) was revitalized by Gen. Z because of its themes of young love and intense yearning. The song “Lover, You Should’ve Come Over” encapsulates this feeling best, and even charted 20 years after its release. Our generation feels most understood by this album, with the “yearning epidemic” gaining traction on social media. 

The “yearning epidemic” needs to come to an end, and our generation should find peace in healthier relationships. If we make a stronger effort to overcome these attachment issues, yearning may subside, and allow for us to create deeper connections. So let’s stop accepting the love we think we deserve, and accept the love we actually deserve—authentic connections free from attachment issues.